


it's a better place since you came along

by HelixDoubleHelix



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Baby Damian Wayne, Gen, the horrors of breast milk: a dramatization, the only villain here is the irresponsible use of contraceptives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:49:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28639557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelixDoubleHelix/pseuds/HelixDoubleHelix
Summary: In April, Bruce comes back from a business trip with a baby that he definitely didn’t have when he left.“This is Damian,” he announces. “He’s five months old. He’s also your new brother, so he’ll be living with us from now on. I expect you to treat him as you would any other family.” He looks up. “Does anyone have any questions?”"Uh,yeah," says Jason. "What the fuck?"
Relationships: Damian Wayne & Everyone
Comments: 28
Kudos: 275





	it's a better place since you came along

**Author's Note:**

> (I wrote this like an hour before white supremacists attempted to take over my country. Y'all stay safe out there.)
> 
> This is a self-indulgent au and well-written exposition is for cowards, so I'm just gonna put their ages here.  
> Bruce: dad age  
> Dick: 17  
> Jason: 13  
> Cass: 13 (older than Jason by 5 months)  
> Tim: 10  
> Damian: 5 months  
> Steph: 11  
> Alfred: Ageless; cannot die
> 
> Title from _Better Place_ by Rachel Platten.

In April, Bruce comes back from a business trip with a baby that he definitely didn’t have when he left.

They all gather in the living room, Tim dragging Jason by the hoodie because he won’t let go of his book. Bruce sits in the big chair with the baby on his lap, slobbering all over his watch. Cass peers over his shoulder. The baby peers back with wide green eyes.

“Oh, my god,” Dick whispers. “He’s so _small."_ If he had ovaries, they’d be exploding. “B, can I hold him?”

“I don’t know–”

“Pleeeease?” 

Bruce rolls his eyes as he hands the baby over. “Be careful.”

 _"Hiiii_ , little guy!” coos Dick, ignoring him. “What’s your name?”

“This is Damian,” Bruce announces to the room at large. “He’s five months old. He’s also your new brother, so he’ll be living with us from now on. I expect you to treat him as you would any other family.” He looks up. “Does anyone have any questions?”

“Uh, _yeah,”_ says Jason. “What the fuck?" 

“Language,” Alfred chastises. 

“Sorry. What the _heck?_ _"_

“Did you steal a baby?” Tim asks, looking less concerned and more intrigued than anything. 

“No, I didn’t _steal_ him,” says Bruce, as if he’s not the same man that more or less kidnapped Jason off the streets. “He was freely given. He is a legally and morally acquired baby.”

“Baby?” says Stephanie Brown, having let herself into their house and conversation, as she so often does. Cass smiles; Steph is her best friend. Tim turns red; Steph is his unattainable crush. “Whose baby is it?” she asks eagerly. “Dick?”

“No!” 

“Richard Grayson, you dog–”

“He’s not mine!” cries Dick, a little too defensive given that he’s the one cuddling the baby.

“Jason? I know you’re young, but I won’t judge.”

 _"God,_ no!”

Bruce sighs. “Hello, Stephanie. As always, it’s a pleasure to have you break into my house.”

“Pleasure to be here, Mr. Wayne! And I didn’t break in. Alfred said I could come over whenever.”

Cass and Tim nod vehemently. Bruce sighs louder.

“So,” says Steph, settling daintily next to Jason on the couch, “whose baby is it, then?”

“Mine,” says Bruce. “And Talia al Ghul’s.”

There are several seconds of silence before they all start yelling.

“Oh my _god_ ,” cries Jason. “You had sex with a _princess_? _"_

“Why didn’t we know about this?” Dick demands.

“Wait, do you _want_ to know every time your dad has sex?”

“I meant the baby part, Steph! Is this house even baby-proofed?”

“Of course it is,” says Jason. “Tim lives here.”

“I’m _ten!”_ says Tim. “And _you’re_ the one who fell down the stairs this morning!”

“Shut up!” 

Tim points an accusing finger at Bruce. “When did you date the princess of Nanda Parbat?”

“They hooked up on a business trip last year,” says Steph. “Don’t you read the tabloids?”

“Why would I read about my own dad in a magazine?”

“I read about you all the time! You know Jason’s actually Dick’s son, and Bruce is just helping cover it up?”

Dick and Jason both stare at her. “I would have been five when he was born,” says Dick.

“I’m just repeating what I read!”

“Stephanie is technically correct,” says Bruce, then hurriedly clarifies, “About Talia al Ghul, not...the other thing. I did indeed ‘hook up’ with the princess of a small city-state near Tibet last year, when I met with her father to discuss the use of Wayne Industries tech in their hospitals. However, she assured me no contraception was necessary, as she was already utilizing hormonal methods.”

“Please just say birth control,” pleads Jason.

“Birth control, then. At any rate, either she lied or it didn’t work, and last night when I arrived at the airport in Paris, she was waiting for me with Damian.”

As if responding to his name, Damian gurgles. He really is a cute baby, his ears and nose just a little too big. Dick beams at him. “Yes, that’s you! We’re talking about you! You’re so smart! Who’s the smartest baby in the world? Is it you? Is it you?”

Damian contemplates this, then starts whimpering. 

“Oh, god,” Tim says worriedly. “Did I hurt him?” 

He’s been at least six feet away from the baby at all times.

“He’s just hungry,” says Steph. They all goggle at her; she stares back at them flatly. “What? My mom’s a pediatric nurse. I know how to take care of kids.” Given how often Steph is over here, she didn’t really get those caretaking instincts from her mom, but no one mentions that. 

Dick holds the baby up by his armpits. “Aw, are you hungry, Damian? That’s not good!” Damian whines again and reaches for him, distressed.

“Do we have milk?” asks Jason. “Or formula?”

“No milk,” says Tim. “Dick drank it all this morning.”

“I meant breast milk, dumbass. I mean, idiot. Sorry, Alfred.”

Tim looks horrified. “ _Breast_ milk?”

“Yes,” says Bruce, longsuffering. “Breast milk. What babies drink.”

“Like, from a _person?_ ”

“Technically all milk is breast milk,” says Jason. “Just not from a human’s breasts.”

“To answer your question, Jay,” says Bruce, ignoring the sound of Steph hitting Jason with a couch cushion, “yes, we have milk. Talia gave me several bags.”

“ _Bags?"_ shrieks Tim. “Is she _Canadian?_ _"_

“She’s from Nanda Parbat!” Bruce turns to Alfred. “Will you teach me to warm it up? I should know how.”

“Certainly,” says Alfred, with an expression somewhat like pride. His own man-child, learning basic parenting skills just in time for kid number five.

“Great. Dick, you should learn, too. Come on.”

Dick pouts and cuddles Damian closer. “Aww. But we’re bonding!”

“Bond later. Heat up breast milk now.”

“Wait, do I have to actually touch it?”

“Most likely.”

“Gross.” 

Bruce rolls his eyes for the thirteenth time that afternoon. “Jason, if you would?”

“If I would what?” Jason looks confused. Bruce gestures to Damian. “Oh, no. No, no, no. No way.”

“Just take the baby.”

“No! I’ll drop him!”

“Is that a threat?” asks Steph. “‘Cause you sound like you’re making a threat.” 

“I’m not!”

“Good lord,” says Bruce. “Cass. Take the baby.”

Cass salutes, delighted, and takes the baby. Bruce leaves for the kitchen with Alfred, dragging a hand down his face. Dick waves forlornly to Damian before following, a soldier torn from his family to march towards his breast-milk-touching fate.

Damian appears to understand that food is coming, and his whimpers quiet. As a snack, he settles for sucking as much of Cass’s shirt into his mouth as possible.

“Hello,” she says to him, signing with her free hand. She figures it’s best to raise him bilingual from the beginning. “I’m Cass. Sister.”

“Don’t you have to support his head?” Jason asks.

“That’s for newborns,” says Tim.

“You know that, but not about breast milk?”

“Oh, sorry I don’t know everything about _boobs!"_

“Don’t say _boobs_ in front of a baby!”

Steph _tsk_ s. “You two are going to be terrible brothers.”

“Will not!” cries Tim, at the same that Jason snaps, “Fuck you, I’ll be great!”

They look at each other suspiciously, uncomfortable with agreeing on something even for a moment. Tim bends down to look the baby in the eye. “Right, Damian? I’ll be your favorite?”

“No, I will,” counters Jason, leaning in. “I’ll teach you to bother Tim and shut your dad up, how does that sound?”

Damian lets Cass’s shirt fall from his mouth. He bobbles his head like an uncoordinated nod.

“Ha!” Jason grins at the baby, victorious. “He likes me better!”

Damian bobbles his head again.

Then he sneezes directly in Jason’s face.

Jason chokes, stumbling backwards into Tim. Both of them tumble to the floor. “ _Dude!”_

“Don’t let your face touch me!” Tim orders, scrambling away. “Go get a towel!”

Jason grabs the bottom of his shirt and wipes his face on it. Tim shrieks and hits him in the stomach. They devolve into wrestling on the rug. Damian giggles adorably, reveling in the chaos.

Alfred’s voice floats down the hall. “...Simply squeeze a drop onto your wrist.”

“It’s _gross!”_ protests Dick. “Wait, Bruce, the lid’s not screwed on–”

A glass breaks. Bruce curses. On the floor, Jason elbows Tim in the face.

Steph reaches over to pat Damian’s head. “Oh, yeah,” she says, clearly overjoyed. “This is gonna be _terrible._ _"_

Cass just laughs.

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, sometimes you just gotta toss canon age differences and relationships out the window and do what makes you happy.
> 
> Comments are cool and you should give me some. Hit me up on Tumblr @buteojamaicensis, if you like.


End file.
